HAHA. Not pregnant. No. Now, this is going to be particularly redundant for those of you who have already read my theatre company's new blog (which you SHOULD, at http://tutzanni.blogspot.com), but the post itself was particularly personal, and so I wanted to post it here as well. In the future, Tut'Zanni's blog will be mostly just for the company, and my personal thoughts/feelings/adventures will be here. So, without further ado, here is "The Beginning":
I wasn't quite sure how to write the very first post on this blog. I
looked around for poems about beginnings, or about dreams, wanting to
sound dramatic, and moving, and inspiring. But nothing I could find
really seemed genuine, or seemed to really capture what a monumental
time this is for me.
I have always dreamt of having my own little theatre troupe, to travel
the world, and explore every facet of my imagination, work with
wonderful people, play music, and run around in an endlessly prolonged
sort of childhood. Growing up, we are faced with so many obstacles-
money, time, and that crushing sense of self-consciousness that
inevitably develops as our bodies awkwardly make their way into
adulthood. Though there is a refreshing independence that comes with
being an adult, we often have to pay for that freedom with certain
sacrifices. We have to get jobs, and pay bills, and do all those sort of
grown-up things. Which is fine, that is life, but often times it is
easy to get caught up in it, and lose focus on what we really want, and
the things that really matter to us.
Now I'm quite the stubborn person, not to mention extremely ADD, and
prone to manic episodes. As I would feel boxed in to the everyday grind,
I had to find ways to break free in my own sort of personal rebellion.
Sometimes small things. I took up painting. I joined small a theatre
group, or worked on my film career, or wrote music. Despite these small
releases, I could feel the slow build of my inner self screaming to be
let out. My desire to create had reached a boiling point, and I broke. I
was no longer satisfied with "someday". I wanted NOW. I wanted my
life to begin, the one I dreamed of from when I was a little girl, the
one that would fulfill me, no matter the cost. I was tired of telling
myself that I was "working towards it". I was tired of waiting for
things to turn more in my favor, or just waiting for a good opportunity
to magically come my way. Why was I spending my life trying to save up,
and prepare, and wait for the life I wanted? I should be DOING it.
So I bought plane tickets, and a week later, I was out of the country,
to refocus, and rediscover exactly what that life was, and how to make
it happen. Many of you followed my adventures on my travel blog (THIS blog!!), which
showed numerous adventures around Europe. But it wasn't all just fun- ok
it was, but some of the fun was at least productive. I was
scoping out the theatre world, talking to people, watching shows, and
looking at venues. I visited the people who had inspired me, and spent
countless hours thinking and looking (and eating), and exploring.
So here we are. This is the birth of Tut'Zanni, my baby, my love, my
life. My very own theatre troupe. Alongside me is my wonderful
co-founder, Dory, who has been a dear friend and fierce supporter of me
and all my craziness. She is invaluable to me, and I am overjoyed that
she has agreed to plunge headfirst into this insanity with me.
Tut'Zanni is in it's super-infantile stages, but hopefully with the love
and support of everyone, it will grow into a huge, juggernaut of a
monster, spewing out theatre in a mass of creative rage.
So, thank you for reading my probably intensely cliched ramblings, and I
hope you continue to read this blog as Tut'Zanni takes off and stumbles
through its first baby steps.
Lots of love,